markdroberts: guest bloggers

My Favorite Cell Phone in Church Stories

In my last post I mentioned how much I detest cell phones ringing in church. But, every now and then, they give occasion for a good laugh.

About a year ago my son and I sabotaged my wife's cell phone, replacing her very grown up ringtone with the "Numa Numa song." This was a mind-jangling disco tune that was popularized in the U.S. when a kid made a video of himself lip-synching the words. It was a huge hit with junior high kids especially. My wife couldn't stand the song, and didn't get the joke, so my son and I decided to up the ante a bit by making her cell phone play the "Numa Numa" song.

After a few good laughs, she asked me to give her back her original ringtone. I said "Sure," but soon forgot my promise.

The next Sunday as I was preaching, guess what I heard from the congregation. That's right! The Numa Numa song . . . coming from my wife's cell phone. She was mortified, partly to be interrupting worship, and partly because everybody heard that ringtone on her phone. She figured people would think she actually liked the song!

That's my second favorite cell phone in church story. Number one comes from a meeting of my Presbytery (pastors and elders from Presbyterian churches in my area). During these meetings we always have worship services, usually led by the host church.

A few years ago, we were meeting in a church in Bellflower, California. When it was time for the sermon, the host pastor went to the pulpit and began to hold forth. He was doing a fine job preaching until, all of a sudden, an obnoxiously loud cell phone went off. The pastor look pretty peeved, and I could understand how he felt. But then he reached into his coat, took out his own cell phone, and turned it off. He had been interrupted by his own phone! Ya gotta love it!

Noises that Drive Me Crazy

Have you ever been on a plane, sitting only a few feet away from a crying baby who refuses to be comforted? At first you feel bothered, then angry, then frantic. If the crying persists, you're well on your way to stark raving mad. You start looking at the emergency exits with longing, wondering about your odds of surviving a jump from 30,000 feet.

I can relate to Ronald Duffy. A couple of years ago the thirty-five-year-old American was flying to Brazil to meet his girlfriend, when he found himself trapped only feet away from a squalling baby. Duffy didn't jump from the plane, however. After the crying continued, this poor soul decided to remedy the situation. He asked a flight attendant for a cup of water, which he promptly poured all over the crying infant. See what I mean? Stark raving mad!

At first the passengers seated around Duffy almost killed him. Then, arriving in Brazil, he was promptly arrested, to the cheers of his fellow flyers. "I think I overreacted a little," Duffy explained to a Brazilian newspaper. A little? No kidding!

Though I'd never condone the dousing of crying babies with water, I can understand Duffy's frustration. Nothing drives me crazy like the endless howling of an infant with whom I'm trapped for hours. Well, except perhaps for the ringing of cell phones in church.

I can't tell you how many times I've been preaching up a storm when I hear the haunting sounds of the Nokia cell phone ditty. It happens occasionally on Sunday morning, but especially during special midweek services. Once during a memorial service cell phones went off six different times. Enough racket to raise the dead. Well, not really. But it certainly interrupted the mood.

My church now prints a prominent plea at the head of our worship bulletin: "Please silence your pagers and cell phones for the duration of the service." This has made matters better, but not perfect. I wonder if the time is coming when our standard call to worship will be something like this: "The Lord is in his holy temple. Let all the earth keep silence before him. And that means turning off your cell phones and pagers . . . now! Amen!"

If this doesn't work, maybe I'll hire Ronald Duffy to prowl the aisles of our sanctuary, cup of cold water in hand, ready to baptize anyone whose phone interrupts our worship. This might motivate folks to silence their noisemakers. But, whatever I do, I won't let Duffy go anywhere near the church nursery.

If you go to church this weekend, do me a favor: Turn off your phone!

(Note: This is a revised version of a post I put up in January 2004.)